Why the change?

Can you see a pattern here with my weight loss? I see that there really isn't one. I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain. Have I really paid the price to be healthy? Sometimes. I have goals, I have needs, I have ambition, I have excitement. I seem to have the have, but do I have the why? Why do I want to do this? Why have goals, needs, ambition, excitement, energy? Why exercise? Why eat healthy? Why avoid processed foods? Why avoid negativity in my life? Why avoid the bad stuff? Why eat good food, healthy food, clean food, vegan food, fat food, carb food, grain food, sugary food? Lots of decisions,eh? So, here I am almost about to turn 46 years old. Why haven't I caught the vision yet? Why can't I seem to lose the weight and stay motivated enough to keep at it. Why can't I exercise everyday for the rest of my life? Why can't I exercise for a week straight? Why can't I eat grains, fruits and veggies, nuts and legumes and stay away from the processed crap? Why can't I say "No" when people offer me processed foods, sugar laden food, fat food? Why can't I stay lean? Why is my stomach always look like I am 8 months pregnant. Why am I always the picture taker and never in the photos? Why do I continue to wear baggy clothes to hide what is behind it? I guess until I can answer these questions honestly I will always have a problem with being accountable. I saw a picture of me this weekend that sickened me. Infact I posted it on Facebook, but I blurred out my stomach region, because I was so embarrassed by the picture. Why did I post it then? There was six of us that went on a hike and there were pictures taken of a group of 5 with me in it and then I took the picture of the group without me in it. All the pictures I posted for the friends so see and I felt like I had to put the picture of me on there, but I was so sickened by the picture that I blurred out the stomach shot. As if it really matters. Anyway, the picture is posted above this post. I am the big girl in front in the blue shirt. This is my reminder of what I used to look like. What I don't want to look like and what I will continue to look like if I don't make the change now. I keep saying the time is now. Well, the time is now! So, here I am once again posting my body composition- which continues to go up each year and I just get closer to some kind of health problem. I carry the fat in the most dangerous place (stomach area), so I better shape up and get this under control, before it is too late. Body Composition: Weight: 191 lbs / 189 in Feb. Height:5'8" Waist: 38 1/2"- 36"(Feb) Hips: 41"- 40"(FEB) Belly Bulge: 40" - 38" (feb) Chest(underneath): 37" feb same Thigh" 23 1'2" - 21"(feb)- right thigh calf: 16" - same in feb (flexed right) Body fat% - 40.1- 36.27 (feb) LBS. of BF- 75.9 - 68.76 (feb) Lean BF- 113.3 - 120.84(feb) So, once again I am getting in the danger zone of body fat%. I am wanting to run a 10K on October 19th, 2013. That is a goal I am setting for myself. To be able to run that race - I have to lose 10 lbs. before October 9th! My 21 year anniversary is October 10th, and I want to be 10 lbs. lighter. I will meet that goal of 10 lbs loss. I will run that 10K race and I will continue to make healthy food choices! I AM TIFFANY AND I AM THE WHY!